Freedom to love intimately (LD 41, part 1)

Introduction

The ten commandments are brief statements with broad meanings. That is especially true for commandments six through nine. We saw that with the sixth commandment: “You shall not kill” is very short, but it teaches us about all our interactions with other people. It is also true for the seventh commandment. “You shall not commit adultery” has application to all our intimate relationships.

The seventh commandment is not easy, because people have a strong desire for intimate relationships, both emotionally and physically. It takes hard work to use it in a way that gives glory to God and is good for ourselves and others. The seventh commandment is not easy because sin against it often has serious consequences, as it does much damage in our relationship and can ruin people’s lives. And the seventh commandment is not easy, because the modern Western culture is at war with it; the Christian values about relationships and intimacy are said to be outdated, narrow-minded, and bigoted.

But the seventh commandment is an arbitrary rule to stop us from having fun. Rather, God teaches us how to have healthy relationships, how to enjoy intimacy in a way that is good for us and the people around us. The focus is on the Lord’s design for human life, on what it looks like to live as people who are truly free to flourish in all aspects of their lives.

Freedom to love intimately

1. The problem of unchastity
2. The essence of intimacy
3. The blessing of matrimony

The problem of unchastity

Question: Why don’t we walk around without our clothes? (Okay, in Canada it is usually too cold for that; but think of a warm summer day.) There are parts of our body that we normally keep covered up. Not because they are bad, but because they are special and not to be displayed publicly. “Private parts.” It has been this way from the beginning of the world. When Adam and Eve had sinned, they hid from God, and said: “I was ashamed, because I am naked.” God’s answer was to make clothes for them. 

Our modern society thinks this is nonsense. We shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed about nakedness, people say. They consider it an oppressive taboo, an unnecessary obstacle to self-expression. So our culture has changed. The skin-covering dresses of the past have made way for tight, revealing clothes. When the first bikini was introduced in 1946, it was considered so immodest that the designer could not find a regular fashion model willing to participate in his advertising; today, many girls wear even skimpier swimsuits in public. Our society had scruples about intimate behavior in public: it is okay to walk hand in hand with your wife in public, but passionate kisses and caresses should be kept private. Today, all of that is shifting. Shouldn’t people be free to do whatever they want, without others bothering them? For sure in the privacy of their home, but even in public? Why make so many restrictions?

There is a handy little word in English to describe living in line with the traditional guidelines of decency in these matters. It is the word “chaste”. We must live chaste and disciplined lives, says the catechism in q&a 108. Be modest in how you dress and how you behave, and even “discipline”, train yourself to do so. This, is the claim of the catechism, is God’s positive teaching in the seventh commandment. It is important. Being chaste is necessary; conversely, unchastity—not being chaste—is cursed by God. That is a strong statement. We must learn why God is so insistent on chastity, and opposed to the lack of it.

Because there is a choice to make here. There is a constant push in our society to get away from chastity. Popular culture invites young people to “put themselves out there”, to show off their bodies, to experiment with intimate behavior, to fantasize freely and act on it whenever possible. The Internet makes it all too easy for men to watch naked women on their computer screens, and young girls are told it is fine to make lurid videos of themselves.

People say: “Why not? It is no big deal”. But this is a lie, and that lie is obvious from our society’s obsession with nudity and sexual behavior. A second or third date is widely assumed to turn into a sleepover; most children today have seen pornographic material by the time they are middle school; tv-series are routinely spiced up with suggestive language and steamy encounters. All of this is unchaste. It arouses sexual feelings that are out of place. Things for which you could be jailed half a century ago, are now normalized. The “sexual revolution” had changed the morals of the world, but also infiltrated the church. Survey after survey shows that the thoughts and behaviors of Christians are affected just as much; and don’t think that Reformed churches do much better than the others.

But this sexual revolution does not really make people free and happy. There is more angst today than ever among teens and adolescents about relations and intimacy. There are more broken marriages, more broken marriages and families than ever before. This shows the wisdom of the seventh commandment. For the sake of our well-being, we must be watchful and deliberate in this area; there is much work to do, and we need to teach our children in a counterculture manner.

So the church, in faithfulness to the Bible,  teaches chastity as an important Christian value. We teach people not to express themselves in just any way they want, and we insist that people abstain from sexual intercourse, except with their spouse. Just as with the other commandments, we pursue this chastity not only in terms of physical activity, but even in gestures, words, thoughts, and desires; and we take care not to entice ourselves and others in this area. Not because we are dour people, not because anything is wrong with sex, but because it can only be good and blessed when used in the way the Lord shows us.

The essence of intimacy

Because it is a big deal. Nakedness is not a neutral thing. Sexual intercourse is not something indifferent. Girls don’t dress in skimpy dresses just because it feels better. Men don’t look at pornography just because it is a form of art. Men and women don’t sleep together just because it’s another fun activity like going out for dinner.

The reality is that all of these things are deeply personal and invoke strong feelings and desires. The soft curves of a woman’s body easily awaken the desire in a man to be with her, to hold her, to caress her. Likewise, women are attracted to the strength of a man’s body. Kissing, touching, and all the feelings of pleasure and need they evoke, affect the core of a person. Playing with those feelings is playing with fire. If we are careless, much damage can be done: regret, depression,  jealous hatred, unwanted pregnancies, and so on.

This is how people work. We are sensual and sexual beings; these feelings and desires are natural for us. God designed and created us this way. There is a deep and beautiful mystery in the fact of our creation: “Male and female he created them”—followed by: “And God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” Man and woman, each in themselves fully human beings, but with a strong drive to join with the other, with someone from the opposite sex to complement him or her, to give a sense of completeness and fulfillment that cannot be obtained in another way.

In fact, the Bible speaks about the most intimate sexual union of a man and a woman as “becoming one flesh”. It is not just that their bodies are closely intertwined for a period of time. It is not just that a new human life may be produced during that activity. By engaging in this sexual activity, two people profoundly become one on a personal level. Their bodies now belong to each other.

In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul had to explain this to a church that thought this was not a big deal. Some new believers kept participating in the sexual excesses of their day. “No big deal,” argued some Corinthians, “because it’s just about bodies, and our bodies aren’t that important; they will die and decay anyway. As a Christian, I am free to do anything!” But Paul argues, first of all, that our bodies will be resurrected, so they are more important than these Corinthians thought. Moreover, he says, if you are a believer, you (including your body) are part of the church, the great Body of Jesus. The question becomes: what do you do with the members of Jesus’ body? What or who do you unite him with?

Paul uses another image as well, which the catechism echoes in q&a 109. Since we, body and soul, are temples of the Holy Spirit, it is God’s will that we keep ourselves pure and holy. Paul adds: You are not your own; you were bought at a price. If Jesus set us free from the powers of evil, he is now our master, and that includes our bodies, even our sexual feelings and emotions. Use these things in a way that fits with the holiness we now have. Use them in a way that has the Lord’s approval.

Sexual intimacy and everything that goes with it—how we dress, how we speak, the jokes we tell, the gestures we make, the films we watch, the books we read, and so on—is profound and it affects much more than just our bodies. Therefore it is a big deal, and if we live in the freedom of God’s children, we will be careful not to compromise the freedom of our bodies and emotions, but to use them in the way God designed, in the way that is good for us. The Christian faith is not against sexuality, but it is against sexuality done wrong.

The blessing of matrimony

In creating two kinds of people—male and female—and giving them desire for each other, the Lord designed and created the basic structure for human society. The practical consequence is, in the words of Genesis 2, that “a man will leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and the two will be one flesh.” Children are not born in a family when the mother eats certain foods, or when a couple prays for a son or daughter, but through the physical intimacy of a man and a woman. Sex and procreation belong together. That is God’s design; and from it flows the Christian teachings that they should be incorporated within marriage, the social institution that structures these things.

Modern society has separated everything: sexual desire, marriage, family, childbirth. In the past, that would be unthinkable and practically impossible. We in the West have managed to pull it all apart. Marriage is no longer needed for social security, so people think they can enjoy sex without building a social relationship. We are so prosperous that people can afford (sort of) to raise a family when they are single, or in a household with two men or two women. The invention of birth control, and especially the Pill, make it possible to have sexual relationships without becoming pregnant and needing a family structure. (Even so, there are still many women who get an abortion; the majority of our society thinks that this is a small price to pay to give women so-called “sexual freedom”.)

This separation violates God’s design. He planned an overall pattern for human life, society, and procreation. He made it so that a man is not happy to be alone; by God’s creative design, most men are eager to find a woman to live with, and vice versa. When living together in a committed relationship, they complement each other physically, emotionally, spiritually, and so on. Precisely because men and women are designed differently, they function best when they are together in this way. And this is also the context in which children are brought forth, and raised. We all know that children function better if they are raised by a father and a mother, rather than by a single parent or foster home. This is how the world works. This is God’s plan. This is why he created both intimacy and marriage.

It is our Christian calling to honor this divine plan. A Christian young man who longs to be intimate with a woman experiences God’s design for human life; and he may enjoy finding the one who is right for him, and getting to know her, and celebrate the growing attraction as they find out if they are right for each other. When the Bible cautions in Heb. 13:4 that “the marriage bed should be kept pure,” it does not mean to lessen the enjoyment of a husband and wife; by all means, Christian married couples may enjoy their sexuality to the fullest. The Bible celebrates this to the point of embarrassment for some, for instance when it tells the young men in Proverbs 5: “May her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love;” or Song of Songs 7:8, “I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit,” which has nothing to do with trees or fruit. The Bible has no taboo on sex in general; but it demand proper circumstances, in which it can be enjoyed fruitfully and safely.

How, then, do redeemed people of God deal with the sexuality of their nature? First of all, by receiving it as a gift of God, to be enjoyed in the proper context. Second, by understanding the purpose for which the Lord designed it: to celebrate the deep friendship, life-long commitment, sacrificial love, and fertility that belong to a husband and a wife. Third, Christians should therefore recognize the wisdom of teachings on modesty and chastity, for both men and women, as a way to avoid improper kinds of intimacy. Finally, we must train ourselves and our children to practice this, and especially learn self-control so that we remain faithful to God’s purposes and do not fall (or lead others) into sexual temptations.

This is not easy, because there is sin in our hearts and a curse in the world. Many people live with sexual frustration, sexual trauma, disordered sexual desires, guilt about former sexual relations, and so on. There are those who don’t marry, for various reasons, and therefore miss the proper enjoyment of this profound gift for husband and wife. But even married people must work hard to curb their sexual appetites, and that is all the more difficult if their marriage is not functioning well. The next lesson will therefore consider in more detail the way our sexuality can be disordered or disfunctional.

Conclusion

Intimacy between men and women and all that belongs to it is part of God’s design for the world. It is a gift for us to be used well, but also to be used properly. God forbids all unchaste acts, so that our sexuality will not hurt ourselves or others, but allows us to live all the more joyful, faithful, and fruitful, in a context where love can safely flourish.

The most profound fact about all this, is the teaching of Paul in Ephesians 6. In a properly functioning marriage, the husband reflects the self-sacrificing commitment that our Lord Jesus has for us, his church. And the wife reflects the receptive love and commitment of the church for her Lord. Even our intimate relationships are therefore holy symbols, meant to glorify the Lord and to remind us of the deep, deep love of Jesus for his people.